everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
the answer was staring at me all along
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?