People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”