How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You Might Also Like
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Wake me when AI does housework
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”