My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.