Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
real
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]