A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs