The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.