Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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The future is now.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.