Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Why I divorced her.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.