Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”