There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Breaking news:
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow