[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
You Might Also Like
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
sistine chapel
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
an airline just for babies.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.