dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
#StillHurts
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me