[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early