When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!