[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”