[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
You Might Also Like
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
guilty