i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Great acting.. 😂
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.