The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Awesome parenting 😂
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party