Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.