Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Wikigenius
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat