I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Someone just threatened to call me later
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”