friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
those birds must be on payroll
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.