Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.