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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
A friend sent me this.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle