If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
😬
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”