I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
asked my bf how work was today
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore