I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.