*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Become ungovernable.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.