DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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If only
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”