Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Hamburger Hinderer.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”