Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script