H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
That’s no pocket rocket.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket