This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.