there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”