I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
All set.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.