I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.