My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
so much to do
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.