Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah