A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.