My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio