You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I came this close!!!!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.