No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?