Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Worth remembering.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total