In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Breaking news:
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.