My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.