I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: how are you
Friday: good