*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
You Might Also Like
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
giddy up Office Depot
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.