The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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these two trucks have the same bed length
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.