this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Roses are red, you always mattered,
still the best tweet of the year by far
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.